I replaced iPad with iFail am I cool yet?

The below was written for a 3rd party website that no longer requires it’s use so I have now decided to post it here instead. Enjoy!

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I get it, everyone is writing about the iPad. Good, bad and indifferent the usual old/new media is busily suckling at the teat of the almighty rivalries that the launch of any new Apple product brings. I normally like to go against the flow and do something a little different however after finally wrapping my head around most of what people have had to say on the device I have decided that it is time to weigh in and announce how yet again the despair and disappointment that is running rampant amongst the community  is brought about by nothing but your  unwavering logic that unless Apple shits solid gold bars containing a cell phone, camcorder, dog walker and multi tasking neckbeard trimmer they have somehow wronged you and wronged the world and should file for bankruptcy because obviously if you wanted exactly 16 USB ports and a can opener then so did the rest of the world.

Whenever Apple launches a new product we always end with this mangled seething pit of nerd rage and desperate cries for attention claiming the downfall and subsequent abandonment of Apple from all the different camps. Some PC users, some mac users, some none of the above they just like to join in with the crowd. This is normally played off simply as the users being passionate about Apple or perhaps even “technology” in general. I however have a much better theory and I dare someone to prove it inaccurate.

A lot of people busily slamming their fingers into their greasy bacon covered keyboards spewing forth nothing but heaping piles of toxic waste on the iPad are the so called Apple fans themselves. This rage and incessant need to point out the device’s failures stem from the fact they spend 11 months of the year allowing themselves to be whipped into a frenzy by any number of untold Apple “rumor” sites who in the chase for the mighty add dollar keep these people in a constant state of awe shock and amazement with headlines such as  “OMG NEW TIP JUST IN! iPAD TO SHIT SOLID GOLD AND PERFORM HOUSEHOLD DUTIES!”, “iPAD TO USE NEW SAMSUNG MILLION INCH PANELS *rumour” and my always favourite “iPhone TO REPLACE SEEING EYE DOGS, GROW LEGS AND LEAD THE BLIND”.

Now most of us are able to take the constant stories and rumours and use logic to sort fact from fiction and allow ourselves to remain somewhat reserved in our judgements or ideas in regards to what is likely to be released. The history of Apple teaches us that usually while we are usually heading in the right direction it’s normally far off what we actually wanted and as such you grow accustomed to not whipping yourself into an uncontrolled hype every time some tiny Chinese news rag releases so called “spy images” of a 50 foot iPhone.

It seems that no matter what Apple does for these people it always ends up being wrong “just because”. You cried and whined for a good 12 months about wanting a slim notebook that was not a netbook and Apple delivered and how did you repay them? By crying about USB ports, LAN interfaces and refusing to buy it. That gamble really paid off for them did not it? You asked, they delivered and you then proceeded to bite the hand that fed you because they did not craft it specifically to your wishes. The same thing is now clearly being repeated for the iPad. I do not know how anyone could not of logically seen this coming any other way, its Apple. “Think Different”.

Take for instance the biggest complaint and this comes not just from the fanboys themselves but from many camps including the PC user side of things:

If it was running a full sized operating system and had some USB ports and was open I would buy this in a heartbeat it would sell millions!

I have news for you, this device already exists. Its called a tablet computer and you can buy one now from most vendors and have been able too for many years now and yet it has the market penetration of Star Wards branded tampons. Why? Because that is what you want, not what consumers want. Most people do not want to be messing with a stylus and a start button, fumbling through file managers and messing with handwriting recognition. They just want to get on their machine, shoot off an email, check the news and then get back to whatever far more important task it is they were doing.

Oh but my netbook can do this, and this, and that and all these other things that people who are going to buy the iPad probably do not want to do in the first place!

That’s amazing. What you are saying here is that the netbook suits a purpose for you and it suits that purpose just fine. Well what if my purpose is to read e-books and I wish to buy the device to do that? Why should I then be attacked because “A NETBOOK CAN DO IT TOO”. Yes it can, poorly. It cant be held in one hand comfortably, has terrible ergonomics for most reading positions and has a battery life equal to that of a pocket projector running off watch batteries. You cant attack the iPad because it can perform functions XYZ and but not ABC and when it was never intended or market for those functions in the first place. Chances are that it will serve its intended purpose just fine and most consumers will take that device over the jack of all trades device any day.

At the end of the day the device may fail or it may exceed beyond even the highest of expectations but it will not rise or fall because Steve Jobs failed to create the device to your exact specifications. Apple does not exist solely to serve your every need and desire and failing to design their product to meet your exact specification does not mean that the product is designed to fail. They make and market devices to serve a market not the individual and if they wish to continue turning a profit they should continue on their current path rather then listening to the rants and raves of cavemen like fanboys.

If it fails it will fail because they were unable to create and market a device that people will want or need in their lives on a day to day basis. Either because it does not meet a users requirements or because it offers nothing new over any existing competition to make it worth a purchase in the long or short term. Not because you stayed awake until midnight clicking refresh on the Apple store hoping for a device to love and treasure you forever that never came.